Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
