This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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