I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
