i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We have started to decorate penises.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
