covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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