Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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