She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
