I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
