My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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