i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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