The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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