You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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