Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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