well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
