He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
