i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
