i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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