Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
