Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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