How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
