if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
