Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
