Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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