put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
what day is it and did you see me today?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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