I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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