Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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