i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
