So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
