Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
