he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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