it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
