its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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