i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
