sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
