My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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