Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
