I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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