Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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