Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
