They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just found puke in my bra..
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
