i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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