Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
