omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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