just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Found your dick twin last night
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
