Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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