Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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