You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
