Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
