I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Randomize
