Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
