Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
