he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
