Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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