Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Jerry, you need to find god
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
