I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
